SPRING BREAK!!!!!
So spring break is over for John and I. I don’t know about marc, maybe he’s just a lazy motherfucker, but i’m going to be posting again. I’ve been out of the country and posting just hasn’t been fruitful. But now i’m back.
Plus, i’d like to say that US Customs are fuckers. They took away a really nice bottle of 15 year old scotch and some Bombay dry gin from my latest dip in the Duty Free Fun Zone. I spent good hard borrowed money on that liquor and they took it away, just like that, all because i’m a “minor” and it is “illegal” for me to “carry” it. Fuck those guys for doing their job. They let my 5 cartons of cigarettes go, which doesn’t make sense to me: I was just going to drink the liquor, but i plan on selling the cigarettes: which seems more harmful to society? Consumption or profit? God i hate being a capitalist, i wish i could just be a good drunk instead.
Waiting for Godarfield
I stumbled upon some Motorhouse kids yesterday in DeCafe. They were all laughing and i looked over their sholder. I noticed they were reading Garfield, but that can’t be right. Nobody laughs at garfield, especially not cool people. So what’s the story? It was the existential, depressing version of garfield. Upon removing the infered thought bubbles, Jon is read as depressive, introspective and even agoraphobic.
Introspecitve Jon
Dead-End Jon
Manic Depressive Jon
I’m pretty sure this one is a comment on God. Why hast thou forsaken me?
Sometimes I weep for no reason. Finally, I have a reason.
Ode to a chump sucker
Found this surfing the Seattle Craig’s list, looking to see if my ex-girlfriend (or mother) has met anyone interesting lately. This is probably too funny for the B-Sides, but i like it quite a bit.
ode to unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
an early twenties guitar player
or worse, late thirties
or worse-worse, mid-forties
or worse-worse-worse, guitar/harmonica/singer/violinist
jack-of-all-trades
oh unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
sitting on that stool
for starters
shoot your crappy “sound guy”
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
what brilliant stroke of genius was it
to compare someone’s love
to a fucking cloud
how ‘bout a mist made of coffee
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
expelled from my nose
a reaction to your
allusionary brilliance
and, no
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
you don’t have to hold that mid-level ‘G’
for eighty-seven measures
shut up so I can clap
obligatorily
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
I think the Stones
worked that C, G, E progression
for all it was fucking worth
already
quite well
and with a drummer
and BIG FUCKING AMPLIFIERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not that little Crate
about to vibrate
it’s sorry-ass 12watts
off the chair
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
there’s enough songs out there
about
the chillness of love
the heaviness of love
the heat of love
the pain of love
the (insert adjective/synonym for hurt/betrayal/angst here) of love
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
I have a much more useful activity
for that mouth
and lips
and probably a lot more entertaining
to everyone here
shit
your song has ended
I must clap now
obligatorily
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
when you make eye contact
I’m not smiling
because I like
your totally original
views on the human condition
I’m smiling
because I’m thinking
about your cleavage
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
you have a nice rack
and
oh, unpaid coffee-shop gig musician
you shur have a purty mouth-anon
This guy just knows what he wants.
I have to link you to something RIGHT NOW.
This man is ridiculous. This is the story of a man who’s romantic idea of christian marriage must be laid out in a detailed contract. Thanks to The Smoking Gun, we have the full text of his contract, which his brilliant wife never signed. He starts with a kicker, detailing the frequency with which his wife is to shave; legs, underarms, and pubic hair. Then it just gets better and better, until it outlines sex acts to be performed regularly. Fellatio must last at least 5 minutes, and she must have sex so many times a week. If she is tired, handjobs can be substituted.
On one hand, i think this guy is a complete pervert and should be jailed. (He was tried for attempted kidnapping based on this contract, plus child pornography charges) But i just
can’t help thinking- it was worth a try, right? Just imagine if his plan had worked…
(read the full contract here http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html)
I can’t make this any better
“There is a lunatic fringe to the orchid world, and a fine line between the average grower and the horticulturally insane.”
-Eric Hansen
I guess they found Chris Durant…
Former Fairfield University student William Rom, 24, won $111,000 from the school in a February verdict because he was improperly suspended four years ago. At the time, Rom was accused of entering a women’s restroom, fighting, ripping posters off walls, dumping water on students from a second floor, smashing a bathroom mirror, running naked on campus, and (underage) drinking (and subsequently vomiting in the dorm.) [Connecticut Post, 2-4-06]
Wait- back this up. The kids’ name was Rom??? That is obscene.
Freegan Fest’06
I just spent my night at a Freegan Feast. What’s a Freegan, you ask? In short, Freegan’s are people who get their food out of dumpsters. They do monthly feasts that are open to the press, and a friend of mine in the journalism department wanted to go to that instead of 2001 at the Ziegfeld.
It was in this loft apartment near the NYPL which had five roommates (one of them has inordinate amounts of money, owns the place, and rents the other rooms out to his broke-ass friends). There was an obligatory drunk guy there who found a lobster dumpster diving the night before with its tail cut off; while the other Freegans were waxing philosophic on how to put the poor thing out of its misery in the most humane way, drunk guy said “Fuck it, I’m going to bash its head in, cook it, and eat it.” Which he proceeded to do; he killed it, and then earlier tonight put it in the oven and ate it. But not before placing it in the freezer for a significant amount of time after taking it out of the oven. So there.
I would also like to produce for you a conversation between Drunk Guy and another friend of mine who was with us, a kid named Texas:
Drunk Guy (DG): You look familiar.
Texas (T): Really? I don’t get that often.
DG: Where are you from?
T: Houston.
DG: No, I mean genetically. What are you, Jewish? Irish?
T: Uh, yeah, Irish I guess. (aside to me) Do you think anyone would mind if I punched this guy in the face?
That was my night. It rocked so much harder than yours. And people say I don’t get out ever. I’m gonna go read my new comics now.
M!
Wow… Big Day
What a day of posting. Cody got a couple in, I did this one, Marc did 4-500 posts. God, we’re cool.
The LA Times gives us the weirdest headline ever to cover Chinese-Taiwanese relations:
Attack of the Pandas
Will Taiwan’s wary, pro-independence government succumb to a pair of China’s most adorable ambassadors?
“China’s latest weapon in its increasingly effective charm offensive against Taiwan is an offer of giant pandas. Who would think of turning down two lovable animals that zoos around the world can only dream about, you might ask?”
Who would turn down these two lovable animals? Those hard-ass Taiwanese, that’s who.
“‘The pandas are a trick, just like the Trojan horse,’ said lawmaker Huang Shi-cho of the Taiwan Solidarity Union party. ‘Pandas are cute, but they are meant to destroy Taiwan’s psychological defenses.’”
Jesus. I hear that China has given us some pandas too. No wonder we can’t seem to stand up to the Chinese on Darfur, patent law, pegged currency, human rights, or, you know, anything.
Guys, I saw this picture Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing. They are so cuddly and cute. Who cares about human rights. I love China. And Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing.
Via Wonkette.
New album by my Boy Crush
Jack White. He was in that one band, right? Oh yeah. That one.
Now he’s in The Raconteurs, a four piece with some old friends. You’ll remember Brenden Benson from the side project i’ve never heard, The Upholsterers- supposedly the Benson was then-known-as John Gillis’ upholstery mentor. On bass and drums we’ve got Jack Lawrence and Patrick Keeler, both of The Greenhorns, consistant touring partners with The White Stripes.
Two singles are up on www.theraconteurs.com and the album is due in early May, so we’ll be waiting for a massive US tour!
Read a great review here, Permalink 2 Comments
My dear lord! Someone stop the Placebo Head Machine before it destroys us all in a fit of self-conscious desire to impress
Ok. This is not breaking news, but i’m so excited. I’m just going to tell everyone to start watching http://www.flaiminglips.com
These guys have a NEW ALBUM coming out soon, At War With the Mystics. It is sure to provide the world with some more poetic brain damage. If you don’t have it, ingest Yoshimi before April 4th, the set US release date. If you know that one inside and out, get Clouds Taste Metallic. Both of these albums fall into the category of “my life is better for its eXistenZ”
This also means a sweet Lips tour is gonna happen. I urge you to look EVERY DAY to get in on the know for a new tour. I just wish they were going to be playing at any festivals this summer.
This shit is going to be SWEET.
